Preparing for a Journey

Recently I've been researching on how to combat jet lag - adjusting sleeping patterns, using melatonin and sunshine to reset your clock. It's pretty basic - start gradually adjusting as if you were in the time zone in which you will be traveling to - this is especially important if you are traveling west to east. So thus the reason I'm awake at 5am and writing this post at 6:30am on a Saturday (not that weekends mean anything anymore.)

Where, might you ask, am I going? Seville, Spain; Dubai, UAE; and Paris, France -- oh yes, topped off with Thanksgiving in Hyde Park, Chicago -- just down the block from our president-elect! (And yes, hickcity, we will ask the parents what they think of Obama now -- latest reports have been glowing.) My other half, who is currently snoring in bed, has conferences and business meetings in all these locations, and I get to be the spouse and come along for the ride. How cool is that?!? It will also be nice to get away from camping in this house (we are living in one room while the rest of the house in being renovated...kinda like being in a studio in my New York.)

Of course, this means I am focused on tons of last minute house stuff -- tile emergencies, lighting fixtures, interior paint choices -- it's endless. I've also been making sure we have hotels to stay in, researching what I'll be doing in these locations, and generally not focusing on the masters. Just as a side note, we'll actually be picking up tile in Spain and Paris and bringing it back to California. A little crazy. I'm sure we'll have fun at customs.

Back to the unfinished masters for a moment -- I've decided not to take my laptop as Pedro (the snoring one) will have his spanking new mac book pro. I will take all my data and most importantly, financial books so I can focus on the creating a series of increasingly complex contrasting cases for the first part of the instructional design. The plan is to work in the early mornings, then play. Anything will be better than my current situation where between dealing with more and more of the renovation, our lives within the renovation, and managing Pedro as he becomes increasing immersed in his startup -- leaves me with little emotional energy. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not becoming my mother, sans kids, always supporting the lives of others. Ouch.

There is this article that my former CEO mentioned to me once -- called the wives of the organization, which I still haven't read (A.S. Huff, "Wives--Of the Organization," paper presented at the Women and Work Conference, Arlington, Texas, May 11, 1990, is the closest reference I can find.) It's about how women take on the "wife" role in organizations, taking care of the needs of others, whether that be as administrative assistants or project managers or doing the non-paid work of organizing parties, baby showers, and other social events. I keep thinking of my own socialization and how deep it runs, how hard it is for me to break out of the mold of being a caregiver, no matter how hard I resist it or where I end up in an organization. Some of that is external, forced upon you, and some is internal, moving to what's known and comfortable. So much of my life has been spent resisting becoming my mother. Perhaps it's time to let go.

There is a book I need to find again about Buddhism called "When You're Falling, Dive" by Cheri Huber. Instead of resistance, simply accept, move on, and change from a place of acceptance. So much easier to do without all that energy going into resistance. A willful determination has taken me to where I am today (or as in the Adrienne Rich poem, "a wild patience has taken me thus far"). A determination, a desire to become more than the roles allotted to me by family and community. A desire to bankroll myself. And finally, this muddled desire that taken me to this masters. What was that desire? To become a designer of instruction, to get out of the "wife" roles I kept finding myself in. To use this masters to reset my identity. As Mike pointed out in the comments on the passion post, do I keep looking outside of myself to fulfill my desires? (And how does determination become desire... what is the difference? there's a letting go and diffusion of focus.)

I did this masters, and moved to New York for that 18 months, to literally and figuratively to find my own space. To get away from the distractions of Pedro, who is awake now, talking to his business partner on the cordless phone, at the top of his lungs, walking around the house, using the speaker phone. We have no doors at this point in the renovation. I did this masters to get away from Durham and a job that had become a rut. There's that word again - rut. Funny that, that's where I am now, in a rut with this masters. Aigh.

Ok, enough for this post. Perhaps resetting my clock is exactly what I need right now.